Eeeee! :D

I was brought on an emergency run with Stoic’s main 16-man HM Group when one of their healers had to suddenly leave. Unfortunately, the mine boss is glitched right now due to the next patch, but we got the first two done and I got Campaign pants and I’m just so excited! New codexes and one item changed (and I even got the enhancement I needed for it!) Was like 200K to change stuff around though ๐Ÿ™ This makes me more impatient to get 3 Advanced Mettle Mod 26 however.

Now we’re waiting for Nightmare Pilgrim ๐Ÿ˜€ if he loads up before like 12:15AM, we shall do him and that would make things even more epic T~T

Edit: We did it! We beat Nightmare Pilgrim! OMGYES.

Edit 2: And it looks like the patch is going in tonight for Thursday as expected :3 And apparently Elidibs has a spot again so maybe I can finish EC AND THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME OMGYAY.

In which I was right

So, the HM Team is up and it is as I expected. The two Healers I expected (both of which don’t care for me), the Tank I expected (who hates me) and I am officially not even back up.

I’m mixed honestly. On the bright side, I don’t have to decline now if they ask. On the otherhand, for obvious reasons, I’m upset.

Thanks for forcing me to change my outfit for absolutely nothing now. Sorry all that work and trying was for nothing because apparently you can only be serious with a set bonus.

EC SM done

So, due to the craziness mentioned below, we ended up doing SM while the other group did HM. I don’t really want to talk much about it. I feel like crud (physically) and just don’t want to think too much about stuff since I’m honestly still pretty upset. They did, however, apparently get the first two bosses down |Edit: they lied and apparently only got the first boss down| so I’m waiting for our other healer to shove it in my face or something because everything is my fault for being full of suck.

In the meantime, I helped my boyfriend set up his Mr. Robot page, though the wish list has barely been started/set up just yet. Shall try and look things up and hopefully we can get him more gear because feeling like it’s still both of our faults sucks. :/

Besides that, I did my first 7K heal today which was nice.

…unfortunately, the cheering up didn’t last long .-.

A post from a bus

So, we are currently on the way back from the hotel. The raid started about 10 minutes ago and they said they would wait up to 20 for us but we shall see.

I ‘m still feeling pretty iffy (see last several updates) so I’m not sure how I feel yet.

On the…kind of bright side (yay for always, bleh for more competition), apparently Campaign isn’t class specific when it drops! So, if we clear it 8 times (2 months) everyone will be geared minus boots which are gotten from Nightmare Pilgrim.

…I wish I felt last sucky.

Edit: So, got here 10 minutes late…was accused of being 30 minutes late despite the fact that we were told we’d have 20 minutes leeway, not really sure what the heck is going on (We’re apparently short healers for some reason?), one of the tanks in the other group still hates me (so yes, I have at least two, if not 3, people in the guild who have issues with me) so our second in command’s plan (which I said wouldn’t work) of me healing the other group obviously failed.

anyway, it looks like one healer couldn’t make it so a healer in the other group went on their sage while the healer who hates me in our group will be healing their group while a healer they could’ve brought in (the one who replaced me that I mentioned) is in ours since the other group had issues with her. *confused for life*

what really bothers me is how annoyed it seemed they were at me when I said there’d be an issue, I e-mailed several times, and they weren’t even ready to go besides just us.

So many feelings

Today…has not been a very good day. In fact, when they least sucky part of the day was dailies, that kind of says it all.

I’m still pretty frustrated with my stupid armor. And the fact that I’m not being listened to. Because, you know, obviously leveling up with this class means nothing. I either have to wear it or I will not be able to do Hard Mode Explosive Conflict. That is stupid for something that has no stat benefits. Quoting the guide mentioned earlier in another quote of theirs:

In terms of set bonuses, the 2-piece should be considered compulsory (a reduction on the cooldown of our bread-and-butter ability is invaluable), while the 4-piece is optional. The extra 50 force points provides a small buffer, and also makes Noble Sacrifice regain slightly more force (since it returns a fixed percentage of your health pool), but if you manage your resources effectively you should have no issues without it.

And it’s true. It’s just…it doesn’t help. Even one of our guild mates who healed while he leveled said it makes no difference. Because it doesn’t. But gee, what do I know? I’d love to switch back. So much. But I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to be yelled at. Not to mention I’m sure who they’re place me with…and god they annoy me. And I can’t afford to anyway. He may have paid for me to switch, but who’s stuck paying to switch back to what I didn’t want to switch from to begin with? Me. ๐Ÿ™

Anyway, I had gotten on to do some comparisons and things while working from home today, but was dragged off to dailies (Told I could just throw down heals and follow along) so I shrugged and gave in. We ended up stopping after Belsavis though to help out friends. They went to help out a guildmate with the +10 Fleet Datacron and I went to help a friend with LI HM as the healer with him quit…unfortunately, the DPS with him got tired of waiting (it wasn’t even long) and also quit. I managed to bring in 2 DPS and it just…it was horrible. I can’t even pinpoint what went wrong. The DPS was pretty low, which was odd as I know both are capable and have seen them do it together, the tank was just…kind of awkward? I guess? My heals seemed useless. And I got grenaded several times which didn’t help. I just… I can’t even… I honestly don’t know. I’m just going to say this outfit is cursed.

We eventually had to go–the two DPS were just tired of losing (and I can’t blame them. I honestly don’t know what went wrong though) and I had a raid to do go…which ended up being canceled due to us missing a healer. So, I was told to go join the other Ops group to help them finish up EC (they just had Kephess left) and they’d save the rest of them to help on Sunday.

…now, I like most of the other raid team, but why wasn’t I asked? I was just told what to do. I still had to work, my boyfriend wanted to do some stuff with me when he heard, but I was sent off. I really don’t care that it was half done either, but my issue is nobody even asked.

Anyway, it took us 4 tries as I got berated by one specific tank for not healing well enough (along with the other healer, but I’m sure it was more towards me–not the first time). Regardless, we did get it done. After, they apparently wanted to drag me on a KP HM–but not only is it not my usual group (though, I would’ve loved to help out most of them) and I didn’t know what my group was doing, I still had work to do and my boyfriend had wanted to play with me and once again, I wasn’t asked, it was just pretty much “you’re coming, right?”. I just…seriously, ask. I can’t stress that enough. And I really didn’t have time today. I only got 1/3 of the work done (though, I should be able to get the rest done today) due to constant streams of “It’ll only take a few minutes, it’s just *insertwhateverhere*” and fdl;sdgkgd;lsdl;sd I just…seriously. Too many feelings and frustrations.

In a note of happy today, however, I received these wonderful WIPs that were drawn by Sakonma. I will be using one (possibly both–but at least one) for when I work on the new banner:

I can’t wait to see them colored.

Besides that, Codex Progress is now under “When it comes to Collecting…” and also a new section under “My Characters”.

Also, been having lots of creativity strikes lately–unfortunately, I can’t draw so four of them won’t happen, but I may write a bit. So if you see any password protected entries…that’s why. You have to suffer enough when you read this stuff–I won’t make you suffer more by reading my fanfiction.

It’s just a game vs. Serious Business

I really hate the term Serious Business–mostly because it’s become a giant joke. In this case, I actually mean it as it says.

If you haven’t noticed, I’m a very serious person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I get emotional about everything, and I take everything personal. It’s how I am–the phrase “it’s just a game” or “it’s supposed to just be for fun” doesn’t really exist for me because of how I was raised.

Similarly, I was also taught anything you care about should be important so everything is always high priority for me which also means I get incredibly passionate with it. It is something I enjoy and I put my all in. Just because the way I put my all in is not the way you agree with doesn’t mean I do not.

Like I get a lot of crud about not doing dailies. I’m glad you can do those mundane tasks for money, but I can’t and if you’re going to imply that I’m pathetic or lazy because of that, be happy glares can’t, at the very least, seriously injure.

If I do not agree with something, I can’t pretend to care or force myself to do it because I hate it. It ruins things for me. Even in typing class, I didn’t type the proper way because I could type even faster with 2 fingers (though, now I can type both ways). I also will always try to play things with the arrow keys–WASD can go back to the toilet. And more often than not, if I do push myself to do it, I’ll end up getting really depressed or not being able to stand it. Like it could be a game I adore and if I am doing something I really hate in it, I may never play the game again. That is just how severe it effects me. There has only been one circumstance where I have ever been able to stand it–however, that is 1 out of many other examples like my Pokemon Blue and Harvest Moon: Save the Homeland game files being saved over by idiots. I was never able to play those again because I couldn’t push myself to replay everything I had accomplished.

So yes, dailies are the best way to earn money. No, I’m not going to do them because then I won’t play in the first place and then having so much money means nothing.

And no, I can “complain” all I want. Just stating things to keep track =/= complaining, for the record. It’s why this blog exists. Because I like typing out my thoughts and need to get them off my chest so I don’t stress and have an anxiety attack. But fine, I’ll just stop talking, I suppose–afterall, you only care about how much you can earn and acting like you’re better than everyone else.

I already have to deal with it so much. “God, drawing this is a pain.” “Do you want me to draw it for you?/Was that a request?/etc.” NO. I can state things without asking for something. stop it. just stop. I don’t need your pity and just let me talk without thinking I’m begging or trying to guilt you into something because I’m not.

Part of why I have been mentioning the mods so much is it’s driving me crazy having half my gear done and half not. I don’t know what to do. I can’t play around with the Enhancements too much until I change the mods since I need to know what my Crit and Surge will be at. Similarly, I need to see how they will be after I switch the Implant (considering the Relic I’m switching to just adds Power instead of so much Endurance, that’s not really an issue). As it is, even considering doing the Flash Point Dailies for Black Hole Commendations is just making me want to log off.

I’m probably going to be a mess next week since I’m being forced to put my mods and stuff into stupid Rakata/Columni/Tionese which will make me incredibly uncomfortable and I know it won’t do anything. I already know what the problem is. And we got so close last week, I’m sure we’ll do better this Tuesday. And of course, they will say it’s because of the new armor when it’s not–it’s just natural improvement and actually yelling (okay, I’ll still have trouble with this part) at the tanks to move a little closer or further back or whatever so I don’t die.

But I’m not going to blow it on purpose to show it’s worse. I’d feel horrendously guilty as I know everyone will be giving their all and so will I. Not to mention that gear-wise, it’ll be the same as what I am wearing now just with the set bonus. However, switching mods and stuff out of what I plan on keeping for something temporary truly bothers me. Especially as I’m going to have to still switch them back. It’s just stupid and frustrating and it sucks.

And you know what’s really sad? The people who more often say “it’s just a game” or “it should be fun” are the same people who will tell you off and throw you off a cliff to rot saying you’re not good enough. You don’t have what you need. You’re not talented enough to be here.

You suck.

You’re replaceable.

So despite how serious I am, apparently I am not serious enough for at least trying to play my way and enjoy the game. Yippee.


So, today we were doing Explosive Conflict. We finished normal with ease and decided to try the first boss fight on HM. We got them to about 10% the final time (I think we did it 3-5 times before that). I died… a lot. Partially because I would get too far and then not be able to heal but being too close made me lose 25%-75$ if my health and bleh. I’m a shy person so I don’t really feel comfortable telling people to move…even if they have to. I did voice myself a little that last attempt, however, and that seemed to work.

I thought we did okay for our first tries on HM.

And I may have been the only one to feel that way.

Our guild leader whispered me saying how he was going to give me a million, but I’d have to spend it on something I wouldn’t like. I figured it was somewhat gear related (or forcing me to get my Twi’lek so I can make my Scoundrel to level up with my boyfriend so he could make his Vanguard), but if he made me get the mods I wanted, it’s not like I’d have minded. He made a small joke about the dancer outfit (he is constantly trying to bribe me to wear it or one of the slave outfits on raids. I repeatedly say no unless they want to give me like 15 million because I know they won’t do it and I’m not dressing like that.

Back to the subject, I was right about the gear part, but wrong about the specifics. He asked me to use it to get 4 Columni/Tionese pieces for the set bonus and to move my mods and whatnot to them for using to Raid. Now, I think I’ve mentioned how uncomfortable I am to switch things in parts–that also extends to switching things to temporary places. I feel incredibly uncomfortable switching my mods and stuff from gear I plan to keep to some other gear I was hoping I’d never see again with its giant shoulder pads, fan hat, and football player gloves.

I tried to explain that there was no point for me to have them. The Healing Trance thing didn’t help too much as I never had a point where I needed to use it and it had yet to finish cooling down. The 50 extra force is just barely 1 good heal–and with how long it takes to cast since the nerf (2.3 seconds is long when it gets down to the wire–and again, yes, the main healing class gets the slowest big heal), you will honestly just die anyway if it came down to that ever being useful.

I was then made further bad saying our other healer healed more even though there were plenty of times I was healing more and it just sucked.

So now I’m just upset. And I have this stupid million sitting in my inventory to do something I’m going to hate and feel incredibly uncomfortable with and twitchy for something that won’t make a difference at all other than being a waste of money.

may just go cry now or something. I already felt sad enough never being asked to group with people recently Yes, I hate PVP, but it’s still nice to be asked sometimes… Plus, I do have to do it occasionally-especially to get that stupid relic ๐Ÿ™ and I know I’ll have to hit 2200 ranking for that speeder v-v Not to mention getting to Valor 100 for codexes…

*sighs* .__. I need a pick-me up. And no, a week to my birthday isn’t one.

Edit: After thinking of it more, I realized even more so this won’t make a difference. Ignoring how useless 50 is, the problem is my health gets too low (as I keep getting hit by Toth) to replenish it. Having 50 extra force won’t fix that. Only positioning will.

Rants and Raves, I suppose

So, I have a bit to talk about… I guess I’ll start with heading to the Tatooine event. I’m not really much of a PVPer, nor do I care to, so instead, I found somewhere to hide and spectated. Surprisingly, most people didn’t even notice me–I think I was only noticed once and the person kind of just looked at me and then left. Despite just spectating inside somewhere, there was still quite a bit to see. Do kind of wish I could have seen stuff outside as well, however.

No idea why my name was blue and whatnot–same thing happens when I queue for warzones. I’ve reported it and people can still hit me (if they try to) so it’s not like I’m immune–just a weird glitch.

After about an hour, I headed to the fleet for the raid. We finished Karagga Normal and then started HM…unfortunately, lots of issues with Bonethrasher. A few people just…weren’t listening. I also lagged once though and got smacked into the green stuff so bleh. :/ After him though, we did pretty well and got to the enemies before Fabricator. We stopped there as some people needed to sleep soon.

So, I went to check on Gargath and he wasn’t up, so I kind of just signed off shortly after and I don’t think anyone would have helped me with him anyway even if he was up. Not because they’re being rude, but because all week it’s just been so much Gargath that they’re sick of him. Just like KP. I can’t blame them–even I’m kind of sick of them (Though, I do find Fabricator and Karagga fun, but I hate everything before it at this point), but like when I grinded up PVP to 65, I’m determined.

I’m a shy person, I hate asking for help (Part of why I am so upset I can’t do these things alone) as it makes me feel bad, and I also hate giving up. On the flipside, if I get excited about something, I can be quite loud. I can also be abrasive, pushy, stubborn, and can some on a bit strong with my goals.

The thing is, and even when I’m saying what I still need, I’m not trying to ask for favors. I’m not trying to guilt people to help. I am honestly just stating them (thus why I made this to write in). As an example, 90% of my friends can draw really well. I can’t stand how I draw so I often complain about it. And then at least 80% of them ask if I want something drawn and it’s not even what I was trying to imply. I state a lot of things for myself and sometimes, maybe, I just want someone to listen for once.

I guess the best way to explain how I think of things is an old phrase: “It’s more fun planning the party than the actual party is.”

This doesn’t work for me. My favorite part is after the party when we clean up and prepare for whenever another party may happen so as soon as it does happen, everything is ready to go. So, in short, I like to have my lists done. Completely empty. Then work on saving credits and materials and etc. for the next patch so as soon as it comes up, I’m good to go. I have gear, I have credits, I have all the current pets, and I am completely ready to dedicate to this new update. In fact, My OCPD is why I have these blogs because despite the fact I have a very good memory, it helps relieve some stress for me to write it all down.

The thing is, if I still have stuff to do, I can’t do that. I can’t just focus on what is in the update because I still have things to catch up on. Thus, I stress and I practically have an anxiety attack. And the thing that people don’t seem to understand is for every second that I am feeling like I am behind, the more stressed I feel and the more I push. I will not ask for help or freebies–in fact, if you offer, my answer will always be something like “If you want to” or “If you feel like” or “If you’d like to” and similar. I will not ask because I will feel bad and guilty if I do even if you obviously have no issue doing so. If I do receive a sudden mail, expect a bazillion OMGTHANKYOU as I will feel forever in your debt.

I am someone who would put aside everything to finish things. I have everything at that high priority and put my passion into every single thing.

I’m not trying to be annoying. Or use anyone. Or bother people.

But I am trying to make sure I can maybe get myself some actual sleep. And maybe not want to curl into a ball and cry out of stress.

And if I could, I’d try and complete the goals all by myself.

but I can’t.

I can’t either 2.5 million (or 16 million) by Tuesday.

I can’t hit valor 100 by Tuesday. And I’m sure when I try to PVP to get the commendations I need for the other pet (as warzone commendations max at 2K and I need a total of 4K for both) once 1.3 hits, I’m also going to be reminded just how much I suck and what a burden I am to whatever team gets me.

I can’t do Lost Island HM by myself. I can’t do Karagga HM by msyelf. I can’t beat Gargath by myself.

I’m useless.

And I’m sorry if it seems I’m bugging or being a bit too abrasive. I don’t expect you to do things just for me. I don’t expect any of you to do things for me.

but I don’t know what to do anymore.

and honestly, the thing that makes me no longer want to play things most of all (even more than repeating) is feeling like I’ve gotten too far left behind.

and I don’t want that to happen to this game too.

The stress has gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I’ll log in again before 1.3 and if I do, maybe to just find a HM Karagga group that wouldn’t mind just doing Fabricator and Karagga.

but I just feel like I’m done. like there’s nothing else I can do. I feel empty and like a failure and just the biggest pile of useless crud out of all the level 50’s on the entire game.

1.3 this Tuesday (the 26th)

So, I am having a heart attack. And of course, now I don’t even have enough money for the Augment Kits because I went and spent some on the top and bottom of the Consular’s Exalted outfit (and pulling mods out) for my PVP set. I still need the rest, but since the top and bottom are most noticeable, those were my focus.

On top of that, my belt still isn’t ready. I still need the armoring and mod so hopefully not everyone will need anything (As I don’t want to take Rakata gear away from someone who needs it just to take the mod out). Not to mention I really pray the Advanced Resolve Armoring 25 drops as I can’t get it otherwise :/ (Yes, you can pull it from mods, but Armoring is bound to the type of equip and I don’t believe you can remove from the belt even if it drops)

We will be trying 16 man tonight–KP HM and normal! I really hope it goes well. This will be my second time doing 16-man (first time was with Vanquished in Denova, though, we didn’t do much).

Anyway, I’m just…beyond stressed. I still have 4 pets to go! I mean, I don’t expect to get the Wondrous Egg with no confirmation yet, but Taunling, M0-GUL Thrall Droid, and Midnight Rakling? And I will only be able to get 2 tries for M0-GUL Thrall Droid before Tuesday ๐Ÿ™ I’ve been camping Gargath like crazy–heck, we defeated him twice today with no luck, and we will be trying him again tonight after the raid. Lost Island I guess I’ll have to try to do inbetween those 4 hours, but I’m just SO STRESSED. I do not have anywhere close to the money I wanted to have (about 2-2.5 million to go into 1.3 with), still need ship legacy stuff (6 million), have barely done any PVP (at least I have the commendations I needed ready to go)… darn it. T___T I’m so not looking forward to this. And I really wanted to get my PVP outfit done ๐Ÿ™ or at least all the parts (as I’d wait to remove the mods until after 1.3) but that’s still 300K :/

Though, as long as I can at least get about 300K-400K more (a total of 700K-800K) (however, I’d prefer to get to 2.5 million. Or maybe at least 1.5-2 million), I should be okay with Augment Kits and have some money for supplies/crafting and repairs (which I will also need to pay during this raid and thus, thus my credit amount will become even smaller and I am so stressed T__T) which will hopefully help…. for now, I better go back to slicing :/ I’m going to need those stupid rare things to make that last Augment I need. >< Even if I won't be able to get any of the new Legacy stuff really ๐Ÿ™ also, if someone asks a question, people shouldn't assume the details and give a snappy/obnoxious response back. I don't know, maybe I just like answering questions, but it always bothers me when people respond so annoyed. :/ I mean, seriously. (and maybe now I feel pretty down/depressed so thanks for the mood killer)