Archives

So many feelings

Jul20

Today…has not been a very good day. In fact, when they least sucky part of the day was dailies, that kind of says it all.

I’m still pretty frustrated with my stupid armor. And the fact that I’m not being listened to. Because, you know, obviously leveling up with this class means nothing. I either have to wear it or I will not be able to do Hard Mode Explosive Conflict. That is stupid for something that has no stat benefits. Quoting the guide mentioned earlier in another quote of theirs:

In terms of set bonuses, the 2-piece should be considered compulsory (a reduction on the cooldown of our bread-and-butter ability is invaluable), while the 4-piece is optional. The extra 50 force points provides a small buffer, and also makes Noble Sacrifice regain slightly more force (since it returns a fixed percentage of your health pool), but if you manage your resources effectively you should have no issues without it.

And it’s true. It’s just…it doesn’t help. Even one of our guild mates who healed while he leveled said it makes no difference. Because it doesn’t. But gee, what do I know? I’d love to switch back. So much. But I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to be yelled at. Not to mention I’m sure who they’re place me with…and god they annoy me. And I can’t afford to anyway. He may have paid for me to switch, but who’s stuck paying to switch back to what I didn’t want to switch from to begin with? Me. 🙁

Anyway, I had gotten on to do some comparisons and things while working from home today, but was dragged off to dailies (Told I could just throw down heals and follow along) so I shrugged and gave in. We ended up stopping after Belsavis though to help out friends. They went to help out a guildmate with the +10 Fleet Datacron and I went to help a friend with LI HM as the healer with him quit…unfortunately, the DPS with him got tired of waiting (it wasn’t even long) and also quit. I managed to bring in 2 DPS and it just…it was horrible. I can’t even pinpoint what went wrong. The DPS was pretty low, which was odd as I know both are capable and have seen them do it together, the tank was just…kind of awkward? I guess? My heals seemed useless. And I got grenaded several times which didn’t help. I just… I can’t even… I honestly don’t know. I’m just going to say this outfit is cursed.

We eventually had to go–the two DPS were just tired of losing (and I can’t blame them. I honestly don’t know what went wrong though) and I had a raid to do go…which ended up being canceled due to us missing a healer. So, I was told to go join the other Ops group to help them finish up EC (they just had Kephess left) and they’d save the rest of them to help on Sunday.

…now, I like most of the other raid team, but why wasn’t I asked? I was just told what to do. I still had to work, my boyfriend wanted to do some stuff with me when he heard, but I was sent off. I really don’t care that it was half done either, but my issue is nobody even asked.

Anyway, it took us 4 tries as I got berated by one specific tank for not healing well enough (along with the other healer, but I’m sure it was more towards me–not the first time). Regardless, we did get it done. After, they apparently wanted to drag me on a KP HM–but not only is it not my usual group (though, I would’ve loved to help out most of them) and I didn’t know what my group was doing, I still had work to do and my boyfriend had wanted to play with me and once again, I wasn’t asked, it was just pretty much “you’re coming, right?”. I just…seriously, ask. I can’t stress that enough. And I really didn’t have time today. I only got 1/3 of the work done (though, I should be able to get the rest done today) due to constant streams of “It’ll only take a few minutes, it’s just *insertwhateverhere*” and fdl;sdgkgd;lsdl;sd I just…seriously. Too many feelings and frustrations.

In a note of happy today, however, I received these wonderful WIPs that were drawn by Sakonma. I will be using one (possibly both–but at least one) for when I work on the new banner:

I can’t wait to see them colored.

Besides that, Codex Progress is now under “When it comes to Collecting…” and also a new section under “My Characters”.

Also, been having lots of creativity strikes lately–unfortunately, I can’t draw so four of them won’t happen, but I may write a bit. So if you see any password protected entries…that’s why. You have to suffer enough when you read this stuff–I won’t make you suffer more by reading my fanfiction.

Frustration and Birthdayness

Jul19

Continuing in usual faction, I will start with the latter part of the subject:
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO WISHED ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY! And a bonus thank you to those who sent gifts. It was a really awesome surprise and I appreciated it.

Now, to the former part of the subject… My frustration grows. I’m starting to understand how Combat sentinel feel is one way to put it.

I was gotten back to by my friend and he told me how both his sages said the Set Bonus really helps with bosses, so I asked two questions:
1. Have they ever not used the set bonus?
and
2. Did you notice anything different in the log? (I had sent him my combat log to look over)

The answer to both of these questions was “No”

which means:
1. They never tried without the bonus so they really have nothing to test it on
2. That means even without the set bonus, I was not doing better or worse with it. I was doing exactly the same.

My boyfriend is a combat sentinel so I constantly see him being yelled at to be Watchman by, well, other Watchman’s–most who have usually never tried Combat to begin with (and a good portion of the ones who have that just didn’t understand it). I’ve seen Combat Sentinels do more damage than Watchman many times. Watchman may have it’s advantages (and it’s much better for PVP), but Combat isn’t bad.

In that sense, neither is not using a set bonus. If you do your rotation right, 50 force will never make a difference. While Healing Trace’s cooldown reduce is helpful, again, if you’re doing it right, you won’t ever find a point where you will not have it ready to go when you need it.

In fact, I will have to choose between losing 11 Willpower and having the 2 and 4 Force-Mystic Set Bonus or keeping the 11 Willpower and having the 2 Set Bonus from Force-Mystic and Force-Master. I am used to the latter, but I know I will be criticized if I do not do the former despite it being no different.

When the official site is back up, I may ask for advice in that regard, but I would like to continue to point out that the Set Bonus has done nothing for me. I did not do better. I did not worse. You just forced me to switch for absolutely nothing and I’m stuck using this because of what other people say.

You are not me. You do not know how I play my class. So stop acting like you do. Stop acting like you know my class when you don’t.

Not all guides are right–that’s why you try and ask actual people who played the character. And if they say something different than what you assumed by how they may have done something (which, for all you know, could just be a hold over until they can get what they need), saying that they’re wrong does not make you look better or help anyone.

And while number crunching and theory can do a lot, it’s still not perfect. You still need to actually try because sometimes, it might not be that simple.

Moving on, we may have a lead on the Wondrous Egg…but who knows :/ At least more nests have been found.

ugh

Jul18

Even just loading up the game and seeing those stupid ugly shoulder pads that look like they’ll pop out of the game and poke you in the eye made me wince. 😐

Shall still try and have a party, but the game has just made me very v-v at the moment and it’s not even fully the game’s fault.

Regardless, Thank you to those who sent me birthday wishes on the game. I wish I looked nice for it though.

It’s just a game vs. Serious Business

Jul13

I really hate the term Serious Business–mostly because it’s become a giant joke. In this case, I actually mean it as it says.

If you haven’t noticed, I’m a very serious person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I get emotional about everything, and I take everything personal. It’s how I am–the phrase “it’s just a game” or “it’s supposed to just be for fun” doesn’t really exist for me because of how I was raised.

Similarly, I was also taught anything you care about should be important so everything is always high priority for me which also means I get incredibly passionate with it. It is something I enjoy and I put my all in. Just because the way I put my all in is not the way you agree with doesn’t mean I do not.

Like I get a lot of crud about not doing dailies. I’m glad you can do those mundane tasks for money, but I can’t and if you’re going to imply that I’m pathetic or lazy because of that, be happy glares can’t, at the very least, seriously injure.

If I do not agree with something, I can’t pretend to care or force myself to do it because I hate it. It ruins things for me. Even in typing class, I didn’t type the proper way because I could type even faster with 2 fingers (though, now I can type both ways). I also will always try to play things with the arrow keys–WASD can go back to the toilet. And more often than not, if I do push myself to do it, I’ll end up getting really depressed or not being able to stand it. Like it could be a game I adore and if I am doing something I really hate in it, I may never play the game again. That is just how severe it effects me. There has only been one circumstance where I have ever been able to stand it–however, that is 1 out of many other examples like my Pokemon Blue and Harvest Moon: Save the Homeland game files being saved over by idiots. I was never able to play those again because I couldn’t push myself to replay everything I had accomplished.

So yes, dailies are the best way to earn money. No, I’m not going to do them because then I won’t play in the first place and then having so much money means nothing.

And no, I can “complain” all I want. Just stating things to keep track =/= complaining, for the record. It’s why this blog exists. Because I like typing out my thoughts and need to get them off my chest so I don’t stress and have an anxiety attack. But fine, I’ll just stop talking, I suppose–afterall, you only care about how much you can earn and acting like you’re better than everyone else.

I already have to deal with it so much. “God, drawing this is a pain.” “Do you want me to draw it for you?/Was that a request?/etc.” NO. I can state things without asking for something. stop it. just stop. I don’t need your pity and just let me talk without thinking I’m begging or trying to guilt you into something because I’m not.

Part of why I have been mentioning the mods so much is it’s driving me crazy having half my gear done and half not. I don’t know what to do. I can’t play around with the Enhancements too much until I change the mods since I need to know what my Crit and Surge will be at. Similarly, I need to see how they will be after I switch the Implant (considering the Relic I’m switching to just adds Power instead of so much Endurance, that’s not really an issue). As it is, even considering doing the Flash Point Dailies for Black Hole Commendations is just making me want to log off.

I’m probably going to be a mess next week since I’m being forced to put my mods and stuff into stupid Rakata/Columni/Tionese which will make me incredibly uncomfortable and I know it won’t do anything. I already know what the problem is. And we got so close last week, I’m sure we’ll do better this Tuesday. And of course, they will say it’s because of the new armor when it’s not–it’s just natural improvement and actually yelling (okay, I’ll still have trouble with this part) at the tanks to move a little closer or further back or whatever so I don’t die.

But I’m not going to blow it on purpose to show it’s worse. I’d feel horrendously guilty as I know everyone will be giving their all and so will I. Not to mention that gear-wise, it’ll be the same as what I am wearing now just with the set bonus. However, switching mods and stuff out of what I plan on keeping for something temporary truly bothers me. Especially as I’m going to have to still switch them back. It’s just stupid and frustrating and it sucks.

And you know what’s really sad? The people who more often say “it’s just a game” or “it should be fun” are the same people who will tell you off and throw you off a cliff to rot saying you’re not good enough. You don’t have what you need. You’re not talented enough to be here.

You suck.

You’re replaceable.

So despite how serious I am, apparently I am not serious enough for at least trying to play my way and enjoy the game. Yippee.

Rock Climbing in Denova and Pet Peeve

Jul2

So, I decided to fully explore Denova some more and at this point… I just think if it’s anything, it’s unfortunately a drop. I tried to take some screenshots, but for whatever reason, the button just wouldn’t screenshot anything. I’ve tried switching it to a different button before with no luck so it’s just some weird game issue.

Regardless, we climbed up lots of neat rocks, climbed on Kephess’ force field, and found out Denova is flat (it’s roundness is a lie). It was a lot of fun, at the very least. I do kind of wish the egg-nest-operation thing was true however, as not only would that be a lot of fun, it would’ve made my day to find and just have one pet left.

Continuing on, that brings me to a personal Pet Peeve of mine: Rumors.

If you don’t know something, just say so. Or if it’s a theory, MENTION THAT WITH WHAT YOU WRITE. It’s frustrating when people make things up as it gets people’s hopes up and can even become trolling. But what’s worse is when people just take it without any proof or details and things and put it up all over as if it’s true. Rumors are bad enough by themselves, but it’s even worse when people help spread them. Would just be nice if people would actually do the research once in a while.

Probably what I needed

Jun29

After my last entry, it was pretty interesting that I received a whisper about Lost Island shortly after. They asked if I was DPS in which I replied I wasn’t and could not really go DPS spec and wasn’t familiar with it. To my surprise, they responded saying they could switch to DPS if I wanted to heal and asked what my condition was (I had put Lost Island HM (1 Condition) as my LFG thing because if it happened again, I’d rather not think of what would happen if it did…and I do know some of my guildmates (heck, even my boyfriend) do really want it too and probably wouldn’t pass). They said it was no issue and thus, the group was made.

And we finished in roughly 20 minutes (a little less–probably would’ve been even lesser, but despite making it so we could skip the Rhino, they decided to do it for the heck of it). I died once (My fault–lagged when the guy was doing his smash. Apologized repeatedly.) and that was it–they even still beat the guy despite the fact I died. The tank died at the end once (I resurrected him very quickly though and kept everyone else up so we didn’t wipe. Not sure what made his health drop so fast), but in general, everyone lived and did fine. We had 2 Sages (myself and one DPS) and 2 Knights (Guardian Tank and Sentinel DPS–the Sentinel being who the person who whispered me switched to) and despite the extra Melee, that was probably the most painless Robot attempt I’ve done. Nobody died, everyone was usually at full health (few instances where I got out of range so some people’s health would drop a bit then), and it just went really well. I mean, people’s health bars were usually above 70-80% for the most part. Usually never less than 50% except on the rare occasion. Heck, I only had force problems once or twice too.

I don’t know what they did differently. It didn’t feel much different than other runs other than going a bazillion times faster and less death (which there were only 2 and neither caused a wipe). I’m not sure what gear they had either, but it was just…surprising and ridiculous and painless. And I even got a message from the Sentinel-healer-person that they would love to run it with me again (unfortunately, I couldn’t respond before they had to go, but I did send them mail!) and I probably needed that as it made me feel like maybe I’m not such a failure after all.

Now if the pet dropped too, I think that would’ve been a miracle. But despite the fact that it didn’t, I feel a lot more okay now.

In a slightly more down note, My computer probably desperately needs an update. Despite having turned everything down to the lowest settings (due to some lag issues), I was still lagging steadily throughout the robot boss and random parts after. Even running through the fleet, with everything as low as possible, I am having issues. Unfortunately, I can’t upgrade it yet (I can’t afford to)–but I really can’t always play on my laptop either 🙁 Just not sure what to do in the meantime.

Rants and Raves, I suppose

Jun24

So, I have a bit to talk about… I guess I’ll start with heading to the Tatooine event. I’m not really much of a PVPer, nor do I care to, so instead, I found somewhere to hide and spectated. Surprisingly, most people didn’t even notice me–I think I was only noticed once and the person kind of just looked at me and then left. Despite just spectating inside somewhere, there was still quite a bit to see. Do kind of wish I could have seen stuff outside as well, however.

No idea why my name was blue and whatnot–same thing happens when I queue for warzones. I’ve reported it and people can still hit me (if they try to) so it’s not like I’m immune–just a weird glitch.

After about an hour, I headed to the fleet for the raid. We finished Karagga Normal and then started HM…unfortunately, lots of issues with Bonethrasher. A few people just…weren’t listening. I also lagged once though and got smacked into the green stuff so bleh. :/ After him though, we did pretty well and got to the enemies before Fabricator. We stopped there as some people needed to sleep soon.

So, I went to check on Gargath and he wasn’t up, so I kind of just signed off shortly after and I don’t think anyone would have helped me with him anyway even if he was up. Not because they’re being rude, but because all week it’s just been so much Gargath that they’re sick of him. Just like KP. I can’t blame them–even I’m kind of sick of them (Though, I do find Fabricator and Karagga fun, but I hate everything before it at this point), but like when I grinded up PVP to 65, I’m determined.

I’m a shy person, I hate asking for help (Part of why I am so upset I can’t do these things alone) as it makes me feel bad, and I also hate giving up. On the flipside, if I get excited about something, I can be quite loud. I can also be abrasive, pushy, stubborn, and can some on a bit strong with my goals.

The thing is, and even when I’m saying what I still need, I’m not trying to ask for favors. I’m not trying to guilt people to help. I am honestly just stating them (thus why I made this to write in). As an example, 90% of my friends can draw really well. I can’t stand how I draw so I often complain about it. And then at least 80% of them ask if I want something drawn and it’s not even what I was trying to imply. I state a lot of things for myself and sometimes, maybe, I just want someone to listen for once.

I guess the best way to explain how I think of things is an old phrase: “It’s more fun planning the party than the actual party is.”

This doesn’t work for me. My favorite part is after the party when we clean up and prepare for whenever another party may happen so as soon as it does happen, everything is ready to go. So, in short, I like to have my lists done. Completely empty. Then work on saving credits and materials and etc. for the next patch so as soon as it comes up, I’m good to go. I have gear, I have credits, I have all the current pets, and I am completely ready to dedicate to this new update. In fact, My OCPD is why I have these blogs because despite the fact I have a very good memory, it helps relieve some stress for me to write it all down.

The thing is, if I still have stuff to do, I can’t do that. I can’t just focus on what is in the update because I still have things to catch up on. Thus, I stress and I practically have an anxiety attack. And the thing that people don’t seem to understand is for every second that I am feeling like I am behind, the more stressed I feel and the more I push. I will not ask for help or freebies–in fact, if you offer, my answer will always be something like “If you want to” or “If you feel like” or “If you’d like to” and similar. I will not ask because I will feel bad and guilty if I do even if you obviously have no issue doing so. If I do receive a sudden mail, expect a bazillion OMGTHANKYOU as I will feel forever in your debt.

I am someone who would put aside everything to finish things. I have everything at that high priority and put my passion into every single thing.

I’m not trying to be annoying. Or use anyone. Or bother people.

But I am trying to make sure I can maybe get myself some actual sleep. And maybe not want to curl into a ball and cry out of stress.

And if I could, I’d try and complete the goals all by myself.

but I can’t.

I can’t either 2.5 million (or 16 million) by Tuesday.

I can’t hit valor 100 by Tuesday. And I’m sure when I try to PVP to get the commendations I need for the other pet (as warzone commendations max at 2K and I need a total of 4K for both) once 1.3 hits, I’m also going to be reminded just how much I suck and what a burden I am to whatever team gets me.

I can’t do Lost Island HM by myself. I can’t do Karagga HM by msyelf. I can’t beat Gargath by myself.

I’m useless.

And I’m sorry if it seems I’m bugging or being a bit too abrasive. I don’t expect you to do things just for me. I don’t expect any of you to do things for me.

but I don’t know what to do anymore.

and honestly, the thing that makes me no longer want to play things most of all (even more than repeating) is feeling like I’ve gotten too far left behind.

and I don’t want that to happen to this game too.

The stress has gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I’ll log in again before 1.3 and if I do, maybe to just find a HM Karagga group that wouldn’t mind just doing Fabricator and Karagga.

but I just feel like I’m done. like there’s nothing else I can do. I feel empty and like a failure and just the biggest pile of useless crud out of all the level 50’s on the entire game.