Tag Archive | Life

Mixed feelings

Jun26

Despite happiness earlier, it kind of went a little messy as the day went on to the point where now I feel more sad than anything.

Ignoring a whole issue with timing (Laying down taking longer and then not long after, being dragged off to go out to dinner), apparently when I signed off (due to not having slept in over 24 hours and still feeling ill from the previous day), it disconnected me. So, I was waited for…despite me saying I was going to go for a bit as I wasn’t feeling well and figured laying down a little could help–plus, more tanks would be on later and I would be back later.

I had been with someone who I made friends with and a new guildmate of ours at the time after various incidents.

Afterall, it started with one of our guildmates asking me about Lost Island HM knowing I was planning to do it after I got Taunling as much as I could. I was excited and said yes. We found two people to do it (after like 2 hours) with–a tank who hadn’t done it before and one of their guild mates for the other DPS. Obviously, if it’s your first try in Lost Island, there will be quite a few deaths. It’s not surprising at all and it can be a huge pain. However, we were all understandable. It was slow, but we continued through. When we got to the Robot, one of our DPS had to go after a few tries. Not long after, my guildmate disconnected. We waited…and waited…and after about 40 minutes, we realized we couldn’t keep waiting as our Tank was only able to play in early hours and he wouldn’t be able to stay too much longer. We ended up asking another one of my guildmates (and it was his first time in the FP as well) to come and they were happy to and after waiting a little longer, had to kick the other guildmate. After recruiting another DPS, it didn’t go too well (After all, the Robot Boss is harder with melee and 2 of the people in the FP were new to this), however, they couldn’t stay long either. Thankfully, a friend of mine was on who was willing to come.

So, after several tries, we get the Robot down, I learned we could skip the Rhino boss and we got to the lava-smashy-light on fire boss. Unfortunately, our guild member seemed to have some trouble figuring out exactly where to stand so he was pushed off a few times. Besides that, some people sticking too close together caused a bit too much damage. Eventually, our tank had to go and so I said it may be better to try and do it later (unfortunately, Lost Island did reset which sucks–I wish I knew what caused it to or how long it takes to reset a flashpoint) as we might be able to ask some of our guilds’ tanks to come and more people will be on so I could get some rest and we could take a small break. And this leads us to what I said to start. Because it disconnected me, apparently they waited and so I got back to an angry message in my inbox with just made me feel like utter crud for something out of my control and despite the fact that I was saying I’d be gone for a bit. I did respond explaining, but considering they signed on and no reply, I guess they didn’t care 🙁

I also, once again, tried to see if anyone was selling Advanced Resolve Armoring 25 (as I need this at least to wear my new belt) or Advanced Resolve Armoring 26 (as I will need at least 6 of these to get my gear up–I already have one in my top). I got a response from someone letting me know they were making some of the Armoring 26 and that they’d be putting them up on the market tomorrow. Ignoring my personal feelings on the fact that I find those prices ridiculous (even if that’s apparently the going price), I responded truthfully that I never had 3 million in my entire time playing the game. I received a response back that pretty much said “that sucks” and they signed off before I could say anything else.

For the record, the most I ever had in this game is a little over 2 million and only once. I’m usually lucky if I have over 500K or over 1 million, but anything more is practically a miracle. …and apparently, that’s quite pitiful ._.

In a happier note, while I managed to get nothing else done, I did at least get those final 10 daily commendations and bought my Campaign Relic of Ephemeral Mending.

And in a confusing note, apparently there is an Imperial Character (who is also a healer) on Canderous Ordo named Marilea in a guild called DeathStarz. So much for my name being unique. So, I guess I should mention that I only play on Corellian Run. I do not have any characters on any other servers (with the exception of Marilea and Roseria also being on the Test Server) so…yeah. If I do make characters on a different server, I will be sure to add them to the Character Page. …and if you are that person who also picked the name Marilea, I guess I’m curious how you came up with it? Or something? I don’t know. I can’t even think of words to explain my feelings about this ATM. @-@ And since my boyfriend had to point it out, thank god we were a destination server. I have to wonder what would happen if they tried to transfer to the test server though. :/

For now, I’ll just get my computer and laptop to start patching and head to bed so I can play 1.3 ASAP (hopefully I will wake up early).

Rants and Raves, I suppose

Jun24

So, I have a bit to talk about… I guess I’ll start with heading to the Tatooine event. I’m not really much of a PVPer, nor do I care to, so instead, I found somewhere to hide and spectated. Surprisingly, most people didn’t even notice me–I think I was only noticed once and the person kind of just looked at me and then left. Despite just spectating inside somewhere, there was still quite a bit to see. Do kind of wish I could have seen stuff outside as well, however.

No idea why my name was blue and whatnot–same thing happens when I queue for warzones. I’ve reported it and people can still hit me (if they try to) so it’s not like I’m immune–just a weird glitch.

After about an hour, I headed to the fleet for the raid. We finished Karagga Normal and then started HM…unfortunately, lots of issues with Bonethrasher. A few people just…weren’t listening. I also lagged once though and got smacked into the green stuff so bleh. :/ After him though, we did pretty well and got to the enemies before Fabricator. We stopped there as some people needed to sleep soon.

So, I went to check on Gargath and he wasn’t up, so I kind of just signed off shortly after and I don’t think anyone would have helped me with him anyway even if he was up. Not because they’re being rude, but because all week it’s just been so much Gargath that they’re sick of him. Just like KP. I can’t blame them–even I’m kind of sick of them (Though, I do find Fabricator and Karagga fun, but I hate everything before it at this point), but like when I grinded up PVP to 65, I’m determined.

I’m a shy person, I hate asking for help (Part of why I am so upset I can’t do these things alone) as it makes me feel bad, and I also hate giving up. On the flipside, if I get excited about something, I can be quite loud. I can also be abrasive, pushy, stubborn, and can some on a bit strong with my goals.

The thing is, and even when I’m saying what I still need, I’m not trying to ask for favors. I’m not trying to guilt people to help. I am honestly just stating them (thus why I made this to write in). As an example, 90% of my friends can draw really well. I can’t stand how I draw so I often complain about it. And then at least 80% of them ask if I want something drawn and it’s not even what I was trying to imply. I state a lot of things for myself and sometimes, maybe, I just want someone to listen for once.

I guess the best way to explain how I think of things is an old phrase: “It’s more fun planning the party than the actual party is.”

This doesn’t work for me. My favorite part is after the party when we clean up and prepare for whenever another party may happen so as soon as it does happen, everything is ready to go. So, in short, I like to have my lists done. Completely empty. Then work on saving credits and materials and etc. for the next patch so as soon as it comes up, I’m good to go. I have gear, I have credits, I have all the current pets, and I am completely ready to dedicate to this new update. In fact, My OCPD is why I have these blogs because despite the fact I have a very good memory, it helps relieve some stress for me to write it all down.

The thing is, if I still have stuff to do, I can’t do that. I can’t just focus on what is in the update because I still have things to catch up on. Thus, I stress and I practically have an anxiety attack. And the thing that people don’t seem to understand is for every second that I am feeling like I am behind, the more stressed I feel and the more I push. I will not ask for help or freebies–in fact, if you offer, my answer will always be something like “If you want to” or “If you feel like” or “If you’d like to” and similar. I will not ask because I will feel bad and guilty if I do even if you obviously have no issue doing so. If I do receive a sudden mail, expect a bazillion OMGTHANKYOU as I will feel forever in your debt.

I am someone who would put aside everything to finish things. I have everything at that high priority and put my passion into every single thing.

I’m not trying to be annoying. Or use anyone. Or bother people.

But I am trying to make sure I can maybe get myself some actual sleep. And maybe not want to curl into a ball and cry out of stress.

And if I could, I’d try and complete the goals all by myself.

but I can’t.

I can’t either 2.5 million (or 16 million) by Tuesday.

I can’t hit valor 100 by Tuesday. And I’m sure when I try to PVP to get the commendations I need for the other pet (as warzone commendations max at 2K and I need a total of 4K for both) once 1.3 hits, I’m also going to be reminded just how much I suck and what a burden I am to whatever team gets me.

I can’t do Lost Island HM by myself. I can’t do Karagga HM by msyelf. I can’t beat Gargath by myself.

I’m useless.

And I’m sorry if it seems I’m bugging or being a bit too abrasive. I don’t expect you to do things just for me. I don’t expect any of you to do things for me.

but I don’t know what to do anymore.

and honestly, the thing that makes me no longer want to play things most of all (even more than repeating) is feeling like I’ve gotten too far left behind.

and I don’t want that to happen to this game too.

The stress has gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I’ll log in again before 1.3 and if I do, maybe to just find a HM Karagga group that wouldn’t mind just doing Fabricator and Karagga.

but I just feel like I’m done. like there’s nothing else I can do. I feel empty and like a failure and just the biggest pile of useless crud out of all the level 50’s on the entire game.

O-o

Apr13

I don’t know why you people are here reading this. It confuses me so. (I’m not even sure how you found it?)

Regardless, this update won’t really be much of an update at all. It won’t be finding new things or being excited. Because unfortunately, as exciting as 1.2 was and as happy as I’ve been to get some mysteries solved, today has actually not been very good.

Drama sucks. Especially when the reason it happens is because the other person makes something up and nobody else has the guts to say anything.

And then when you try to fix it, you just make things worse.

So, I’m definitely trying to figure out more with the pets and all the new 1.2 stuff (We ended up not getting further than Voss because of what happened so we never even checked out the new flashpoint or anything)…but my heart isn’t into it because I just feel sad and frustrated due to the stupidity of someone else.

Considering this kind of drama is what ruined the last game I really enjoyed, I really don’t want this to happen again.

I won’t go into more detail–saying this much has made me feel sad enough so… but yes, I think I will log off for the night and hope I feel better and more energized tomorrow morning.

A Hardcore girl in a not so hardcore world

Mar24

Now, before I start, I will say I love my guild. Pretty much everyone is really nice and I’ve made some awesome friends and I enjoy playing with them! This is really nothing against them and is just more about me, if anything.

I’m a very determined person. I’ve stayed up all night before working on things and leveling. I do not like quitting before something is done (so, more often than not, if we don’t finish an operation, I get more than a bit upset–but it’s not anyone’s fault. People DO have to sleep. I really only get annoyed if people are just giving up.) and I’m more than a bit stubborn when it comes down to it.

I like getting things done ASAP. And then when they are done, I like preparing in advance for the next thing. I’m not a procrastinator and in fact the more something is put off, the more I stress and the more it bothers me.

Some people do say like “why didn’t you join a hardcore raiding guild then?” and it’s actually a very easy question to answer.

1. I’ve actually never raided before. I’m very picky with MMOs and most that I stuck with (so many I tried and did not care for) did not have this kind of big endgame thing–or if they did, people just did Pick-up groups. Guilds were essentially just a big thing for friends.

2. While I may be a bit overly determined and can do some hardcore leveling and training and flashpoints and etc., my life is very unpredictable. I have made plans months in advance before only to suddenly have to cancel them about a week to a few days before due to something I suddenly have to do or a crazy family incident or just various other things. I can’t control what happens with my family and when it comes to an actual hard-leveling-raiding-whatever guild, that wouldn’t be acceptable.

So, after a long time of consideration and seeing various guilds, we stumbled across Serenity (Chaos is their Imperial side version) while looking for people to do the Athiss flashpoint. I was dancing on top of the machine to use up some time and noticed the guild name “Serenity”. We then started debating on why it was called that–he was saying because of a Science Fiction Show–and I was saying it probably wasn’t. In the end, I ended up asking the person we noticed who also ended up being the GM and the rest was pretty much history.

And honestly? While I may get upset that we haven’t finished operations and things, I really enjoy everyone’s company and it’s so much fun when we do get to go and I wouldn’t trade that. Not to mention, it’s a group of people who understand when life suddenly decides lemons are too normal and decides to throw a grapefruit your way instead. So, I definitely wouldn’t trade it away at all.

So, thank you Allidel for letting us join 🙂 It really means a lot and I hope 1.2 is amazing and everyone stays because I’ll miss you guys so much otherwise (even if I can continue bothering you all in Ventrilo) 😛

(And yay for trying Soa Hard Mode again tonight!)

It seems I was mistaken. How depressing.