After having Nightmares two nights in a row now, I’m pretty sure it’s a safe bet that I am more than a little stressed. Most likely this whole situation and trying to still enjoy my trip while still feeling sad and frustrated = horrible dreams.

I probably need to take a break (though, whether I actually will…) from playing, or at least my Sage. Maybe my Sorcerer as well.

I just can’t deal with the drama. Especially as I don’t feel like anything was cared about or done. Before I continue, I shall put a Read More now as while this entry does do with the game–it’s more about me and my feelings instead of my feelings as I play the game.

Getting back to it… I feel like things are awkward and even the feelings of frustrating when we said there was a chance we would be late and contacted them and it’s not like they were ready to go either so it’s just kind of irritating.

I get there are issues when people are late in general, but god, that was one of the worst walks back in forever (in fact, I was actually supposed to be forced to sit in a bath since I was feverish and sore, but ended up doing EC SM as mentioned in the last entry).

And yes, I shouldn’t take a game so seriously, but when I really enjoy something, it becomes special to me and thus, personal attachments happen and it does get to that point. Which continues to make the whole “she subconsciously did bad in the set bonus so it wouldn’t change” statement all the more silly. Here is the list of why that makes no sense:
1. I’m competitive. I think MOX is stupid, but if you make me use it and my healing is less than the other healer’s at any time I will be sad. I do not care if the other healer sucks or if their gear sucks or whatever the heck their output is. I just want to know my heals are doing more. <--- this is what happens when you get replaced a lot. 2. I'm a completionist. If I start something, I want to finish it. Even if it takes forever. Unfortunately, I would never be able to afford the repair bills 😛 3. As much as I can be spiteful, I hate losing. A lot. Quite a bit more actually. And then these next two reasons were brought by my boyfriend: 4. I'd have to be a robot if I can apparently manage to lessen the same exact amount of healing I'd be able to do with the set bonus *coughnodifferencecough* to the amount I do without. 5. And, even if I did do it subconsciously, pointing it out is going to do absolutely nothing because it's subconscious and there's nothing I can do about that. If my ugly gear makes me do worse because I am unhappy, there is nothing I can do because I'm not in control of that. As far as I know, I am doing my best. I will always do my best (see above), but I'm not perfect. Regardless, I'm still stuck in the outfit of ugly and the set bonus. I'm just doing my rotations as before and ignoring I have it. I am allowed to change once I get campaign and kill the set bonus then and was given the money to switch back which was nice. I just wish it didn't seem like people were still angry and, you know, that I was listened to. I get ignored a lot. I get shoved to the side a lot. And as anti-social and shy as I am, I hate when people don't like me. Which is ironic considering how awful a time I had in anything I did that had groups of people (School is probably number 1 as other examples are relatively minor in comparison). When you get teased every day to the point of crying in the bathroom and eating alone, you do not do well when people don't like you because you're afraid they'll do something to hurt you. Like make up rumors about things. Or turn your words around. Or call you horrible names. and in the end, they'll be believed and you'll be tossed to the curb. You are the liar. You are the fake. You are the problem. It's never the other person after all. They do have the numbers. Heck, I'd "love" to know what was said when I was suggested to heal for the other group. If only to confirm what I figured or to see how many others in the group have an issue with me. and thus I get paranoid and start wondering who I can trust, if anyone, because how do I know something I say won't be taken, turned around, and told back? And I don't know. I just wanted to play a game and collect all the pets and see the stories and explore and collect even more stuff. Unfortunately, several of those things require a lot of people and since the idea of any friends we knew before the game actually bothering to play something with us is absolutely preposterous, thus the joinage of guilds. Normally I’d just make one with some cute little name for all our friends and maybe some friends we make as we play. This is the first time I didn’t make a guild, but join one. This is the first time I raided. And here I thought guild drama only happened when it was all friends. APPARENTLY NOT.

The reason why I play a healer is I don’t like fighting. I have no interest killing things. I like exploring and collecting things and if there was some exploration MMO where you just went around and explored stuff for your house or some junk and got to dress cutely I would be in Heaven XP If Pokemon didn’t have the “Gotta Catch ’em All” thing and the cuteness of badges, I probably wouldn’t play, as an example.

However, I really do hate repeating things which makes a lot of stuff hard in an MMO. In fact, I wasn’t thrilled that we had to do EC SM last night as we had been doing EC HM despite being short one usual member (one of our tanks, no less). I don’t mind re-doing something to help someone, but doing something just because is annoying to me. Commendations/Credits =/= enough of a motivation if you couldn’t guess by the fact that I can’t do dailies. It was even more frustrating that the other group then went and did HM (And I believe they had 2 other members, besides the healer they brought from our group, that were different–I don’t believe either of the two were in our guild). I was excited to try now that our group was together and then craziness happened and it didn’t happen and that sucks.

I wish my Sage could just go into an Operation that involved sitting in a library, finding the book about these stupid things, and reading it. I think that’d be so much more fun at the moment just because of how frustrated I am with everything.

When we do go home this weekend, I think I’ll just need a long moment by myself. Unfortunately, soon after we get home, we need to head off somewhere else…and then I have work and I really won’t have any free time to relax until September.

I…really need a break. I can’t do this right now and I don’t know how to not only get destressed, but also not feel hated and go back to feeling comfortable/okay.