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Mixed feelings

Jun26

Despite happiness earlier, it kind of went a little messy as the day went on to the point where now I feel more sad than anything.

Ignoring a whole issue with timing (Laying down taking longer and then not long after, being dragged off to go out to dinner), apparently when I signed off (due to not having slept in over 24 hours and still feeling ill from the previous day), it disconnected me. So, I was waited for…despite me saying I was going to go for a bit as I wasn’t feeling well and figured laying down a little could help–plus, more tanks would be on later and I would be back later.

I had been with someone who I made friends with and a new guildmate of ours at the time after various incidents.

Afterall, it started with one of our guildmates asking me about Lost Island HM knowing I was planning to do it after I got Taunling as much as I could. I was excited and said yes. We found two people to do it (after like 2 hours) with–a tank who hadn’t done it before and one of their guild mates for the other DPS. Obviously, if it’s your first try in Lost Island, there will be quite a few deaths. It’s not surprising at all and it can be a huge pain. However, we were all understandable. It was slow, but we continued through. When we got to the Robot, one of our DPS had to go after a few tries. Not long after, my guildmate disconnected. We waited…and waited…and after about 40 minutes, we realized we couldn’t keep waiting as our Tank was only able to play in early hours and he wouldn’t be able to stay too much longer. We ended up asking another one of my guildmates (and it was his first time in the FP as well) to come and they were happy to and after waiting a little longer, had to kick the other guildmate. After recruiting another DPS, it didn’t go too well (After all, the Robot Boss is harder with melee and 2 of the people in the FP were new to this), however, they couldn’t stay long either. Thankfully, a friend of mine was on who was willing to come.

So, after several tries, we get the Robot down, I learned we could skip the Rhino boss and we got to the lava-smashy-light on fire boss. Unfortunately, our guild member seemed to have some trouble figuring out exactly where to stand so he was pushed off a few times. Besides that, some people sticking too close together caused a bit too much damage. Eventually, our tank had to go and so I said it may be better to try and do it later (unfortunately, Lost Island did reset which sucks–I wish I knew what caused it to or how long it takes to reset a flashpoint) as we might be able to ask some of our guilds’ tanks to come and more people will be on so I could get some rest and we could take a small break. And this leads us to what I said to start. Because it disconnected me, apparently they waited and so I got back to an angry message in my inbox with just made me feel like utter crud for something out of my control and despite the fact that I was saying I’d be gone for a bit. I did respond explaining, but considering they signed on and no reply, I guess they didn’t care 🙁

I also, once again, tried to see if anyone was selling Advanced Resolve Armoring 25 (as I need this at least to wear my new belt) or Advanced Resolve Armoring 26 (as I will need at least 6 of these to get my gear up–I already have one in my top). I got a response from someone letting me know they were making some of the Armoring 26 and that they’d be putting them up on the market tomorrow. Ignoring my personal feelings on the fact that I find those prices ridiculous (even if that’s apparently the going price), I responded truthfully that I never had 3 million in my entire time playing the game. I received a response back that pretty much said “that sucks” and they signed off before I could say anything else.

For the record, the most I ever had in this game is a little over 2 million and only once. I’m usually lucky if I have over 500K or over 1 million, but anything more is practically a miracle. …and apparently, that’s quite pitiful ._.

In a happier note, while I managed to get nothing else done, I did at least get those final 10 daily commendations and bought my Campaign Relic of Ephemeral Mending.

And in a confusing note, apparently there is an Imperial Character (who is also a healer) on Canderous Ordo named Marilea in a guild called DeathStarz. So much for my name being unique. So, I guess I should mention that I only play on Corellian Run. I do not have any characters on any other servers (with the exception of Marilea and Roseria also being on the Test Server) so…yeah. If I do make characters on a different server, I will be sure to add them to the Character Page. …and if you are that person who also picked the name Marilea, I guess I’m curious how you came up with it? Or something? I don’t know. I can’t even think of words to explain my feelings about this ATM. @-@ And since my boyfriend had to point it out, thank god we were a destination server. I have to wonder what would happen if they tried to transfer to the test server though. :/

For now, I’ll just get my computer and laptop to start patching and head to bed so I can play 1.3 ASAP (hopefully I will wake up early).

Rants and Raves, I suppose

Jun24

So, I have a bit to talk about… I guess I’ll start with heading to the Tatooine event. I’m not really much of a PVPer, nor do I care to, so instead, I found somewhere to hide and spectated. Surprisingly, most people didn’t even notice me–I think I was only noticed once and the person kind of just looked at me and then left. Despite just spectating inside somewhere, there was still quite a bit to see. Do kind of wish I could have seen stuff outside as well, however.

No idea why my name was blue and whatnot–same thing happens when I queue for warzones. I’ve reported it and people can still hit me (if they try to) so it’s not like I’m immune–just a weird glitch.

After about an hour, I headed to the fleet for the raid. We finished Karagga Normal and then started HM…unfortunately, lots of issues with Bonethrasher. A few people just…weren’t listening. I also lagged once though and got smacked into the green stuff so bleh. :/ After him though, we did pretty well and got to the enemies before Fabricator. We stopped there as some people needed to sleep soon.

So, I went to check on Gargath and he wasn’t up, so I kind of just signed off shortly after and I don’t think anyone would have helped me with him anyway even if he was up. Not because they’re being rude, but because all week it’s just been so much Gargath that they’re sick of him. Just like KP. I can’t blame them–even I’m kind of sick of them (Though, I do find Fabricator and Karagga fun, but I hate everything before it at this point), but like when I grinded up PVP to 65, I’m determined.

I’m a shy person, I hate asking for help (Part of why I am so upset I can’t do these things alone) as it makes me feel bad, and I also hate giving up. On the flipside, if I get excited about something, I can be quite loud. I can also be abrasive, pushy, stubborn, and can some on a bit strong with my goals.

The thing is, and even when I’m saying what I still need, I’m not trying to ask for favors. I’m not trying to guilt people to help. I am honestly just stating them (thus why I made this to write in). As an example, 90% of my friends can draw really well. I can’t stand how I draw so I often complain about it. And then at least 80% of them ask if I want something drawn and it’s not even what I was trying to imply. I state a lot of things for myself and sometimes, maybe, I just want someone to listen for once.

I guess the best way to explain how I think of things is an old phrase: “It’s more fun planning the party than the actual party is.”

This doesn’t work for me. My favorite part is after the party when we clean up and prepare for whenever another party may happen so as soon as it does happen, everything is ready to go. So, in short, I like to have my lists done. Completely empty. Then work on saving credits and materials and etc. for the next patch so as soon as it comes up, I’m good to go. I have gear, I have credits, I have all the current pets, and I am completely ready to dedicate to this new update. In fact, My OCPD is why I have these blogs because despite the fact I have a very good memory, it helps relieve some stress for me to write it all down.

The thing is, if I still have stuff to do, I can’t do that. I can’t just focus on what is in the update because I still have things to catch up on. Thus, I stress and I practically have an anxiety attack. And the thing that people don’t seem to understand is for every second that I am feeling like I am behind, the more stressed I feel and the more I push. I will not ask for help or freebies–in fact, if you offer, my answer will always be something like “If you want to” or “If you feel like” or “If you’d like to” and similar. I will not ask because I will feel bad and guilty if I do even if you obviously have no issue doing so. If I do receive a sudden mail, expect a bazillion OMGTHANKYOU as I will feel forever in your debt.

I am someone who would put aside everything to finish things. I have everything at that high priority and put my passion into every single thing.

I’m not trying to be annoying. Or use anyone. Or bother people.

But I am trying to make sure I can maybe get myself some actual sleep. And maybe not want to curl into a ball and cry out of stress.

And if I could, I’d try and complete the goals all by myself.

but I can’t.

I can’t either 2.5 million (or 16 million) by Tuesday.

I can’t hit valor 100 by Tuesday. And I’m sure when I try to PVP to get the commendations I need for the other pet (as warzone commendations max at 2K and I need a total of 4K for both) once 1.3 hits, I’m also going to be reminded just how much I suck and what a burden I am to whatever team gets me.

I can’t do Lost Island HM by myself. I can’t do Karagga HM by msyelf. I can’t beat Gargath by myself.

I’m useless.

And I’m sorry if it seems I’m bugging or being a bit too abrasive. I don’t expect you to do things just for me. I don’t expect any of you to do things for me.

but I don’t know what to do anymore.

and honestly, the thing that makes me no longer want to play things most of all (even more than repeating) is feeling like I’ve gotten too far left behind.

and I don’t want that to happen to this game too.

The stress has gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I’ll log in again before 1.3 and if I do, maybe to just find a HM Karagga group that wouldn’t mind just doing Fabricator and Karagga.

but I just feel like I’m done. like there’s nothing else I can do. I feel empty and like a failure and just the biggest pile of useless crud out of all the level 50’s on the entire game.

Mixed day

Jun19

Today has been kind of depressing. I got yelled at in General Chat and implied that I was being a jerk/bragging/gloating when I was just answering a question 🙁 I didn’t mean to–but it’s what they asked… And then I got accused of not healing well at the raid tonight which made me even more depressed.

I mean, I can’t really heal if you’re behind trees and if you’re too far away…pretty sure if you’re greyed out and stuff in my icons are grey when I have you highlighted, it means you are too far away. It wasn’t our usual tank, but I still felt bad. I really feel awful if people think my healing is bad .__. I do the best I can.

Luckily, everyone else was still really nice. Speaking of which, if you are on Corellian Run (whether new or have been there), our guild is currently recruiting! So, if you’re interested… :3

I also got to do a Lost Island Normal Run today! Dear god, considering what you get for Lost Island HM, the gear for Lost Island Normal is surprising at how bad it is :/

Then tonight, I found a Gargath group and he wasn’t up 🙁 Which kind of sucked. I’ve just been waiting here now (though, a few other people who were in the group are waiting too which is very nice of them!)… On the brighter side of things, I made a friend with a Sith Sorcerer who was also looking for Gargath. Thank you Kalezr for the wonderful chat :3 Unfortunately, it does seem Gargath really does only respawn every 4 ours :/ Have been waiting here over 2 hours since we got here and nothing.

Besides that, I’ve updated the Pet Guide a little bit so be sure to check that out and I’m updating some of the (few) pictures on the blog as well. And also thought of an idea which will hopefully get the screenshots over on the sidebar all set up. Hopefully. It’ll be random though…but I think that’s a bit more fun.

Lost Island, Feeling Down, etc.

May22

So, I recently started playing an MMO I used to play a couple of years ago (I wasn’t able to play too much until recently as my old Laptop failed miserably and my computer seemed to hate the game for some reason). I’m still playing SWTOR, but how much I suck at earning credits is really getting to me. If you couldn’t tell by now, I’m a very focused and orderly person–so doing things like playing another character before I have the priority Legacy Stuff (all the Ship Unlocks) is driving me crazy on the inside–as is still needing 5 pets (M0-GUL Thrall Droid, Taunling, Midnight Rakling, Orosquab, and Orochick (Though, this last one is still being figured out how to get…) and it’s just getting to me beyond words and I really don’t know what I can do. Dailies just kill the game for me. And most people don’t really understand that, but I have -so much trouble- with those kinds of things. This is the first time I have ever made an alt in a game. Most likely as the Imperial storyline was different enough, but when it comes down to it, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do much other than want to just rush through the stories unless something is different enough.

I have beaten a lot of games. However, I have never started over my progress and played through it again. At all. If my game got erased? I made someone else play it and told them exactly what to do. If I couldn’t find someone to do that, I never played again. The only exception was Sonic Adventure which was essentially insane and it was only because my Dreamcast would kill the data everytime I got to 60% (It wasn’t until the Gamecube version came out that I was finally able to finish it).

But yes, in short, I’m just out of ideas. I can’t play the market (I’d end up losing money, not making any, and I’d feel guilty anyway), Crafting is just…not something I understand when it comes to making a profit, Dailies essentially ruin the game for me (it doesn’t matter if I run them with friends), and I just don’t know. It doesn’t help that everyone is so busy doing stuff with their guilds and/or doing the new flash point and operation and so nobody wants to go fight Gargath, most people have their Lost Island Groups, and Operations still have lock outs.

And of course, there are some exceptions when there ARE people looking for a healer for Lost Island. Unfortunately, in that circumstance, I’m terrified. Ignoring that Rakghouls make me nervous and that Flashpoint is creepy, it’s just healer heavy and I don’t feel like I’ve gotten the changes down enough in 1.2. I’ve done it successfully 2 or 3 times now. Failed once on Hard (Couldn’t figure out a good strategy for the robot boss at the time) and once on Normal (Tank and Melee DPS would not listen. At all. Also had more health than the Tank and Melee DPS which is never a good sign). There’s just many times since 1.2 where I will actually have all my heals cooling down. All of them. And the robot and first part of the final boss have so much moving around…I mean, when you need to stand still for nearly all your heals (all but one), that is horrible.

This flashpoint also showed me just how bad the nerfs could be. What I find hilarious is they were supposed to be PVP nerfs and I honestly don’t feel nerfed at all in PVP. And I don’t even like PVP. I wish they could’ve made it so it applies to PVP only. They made it so you can’t summon certain things in PVP, would it be that hard to make it so certain nerfs happened only in PVP?

But for the main healing class to essentially need the longest time to cast their big heal? I never realized just how bad that extra second for 2.5 (though, mine is 2.3 on my main character due to Alacrity) was. There are many times where I just barely get it out and I feel horrible. And of course, there are times where I do well and I heal through a missed incinerate or get everyone quickly topped back up, but I’m just terrified. I don’t want people yelling at me for something I can not control.

And don’t even get me started on Noble Sacrifice. In a fight where you are moving around a lot of NEED to stay away from everyone else, you can not be in your AoE heal. And with the healing changes, you can not afford to be healing yourself. If you are the lone healer and have to move a lot or be far away, it can be very hard to keep your force up while making sure you won’t die instantly if an extra enemy or some surrounding traps suddenly smack you in the face.

Once I do get the Mysterious Egg and Midnight Rakling from the flashpoint, I wouldn’t mind never doing it again. Ever.

but yes, back to why this was originally made before I went into a tangent about fears and things… I suck at earning credits and I guess I just wanted to play something (even though I still suck at putting) else for a bit of a break…which really isn’t a break because I’ll be playing SWTOR later anyway once my boyfriend is up *really not feeling well and thus, woke up early*.

…I just need some cheering up 🙁